


do i wanna know? (if this feeling flows both ways)

by suhrealist



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: (Or is it?), Alternate Universe - Rock Band, Friends With Benefits, M/M, Minor Lee Taeyong/Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-04
Updated: 2020-02-04
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:01:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22320730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/suhrealist/pseuds/suhrealist
Summary: Johnny really loves what he does for a living.And no, it has absolutely nothing to do with the way Jung Jaehyun sings into the microphone, plucking at his guitar and at Johnny's heartstrings, making him think all those damn love songs were about him.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 33
Kudos: 224
Collections: Johnny Fic Fest: Round One





	do i wanna know? (if this feeling flows both ways)

**Author's Note:**

> #JS02
> 
> i made a playlist for this fic which you can find [over here xx](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLfr70Grf0C6zzq3ukMA_onLXp5F21CdD7)

There was something about the bright lights, the humid atmosphere, and the heavy bass that made Johnny feel at home. Watching everything go down by the sidelines, he feels just as much of a part of the show as any of the band members who were on stage.

When the song ends and the lead vocalist starts with the introductions, he makes his way onto the stage with a guitar in his hand. He's not going to play it, no. He's going to hand it over to the lead guitarist who needs it for the next couple of songs.

The vocalist makes eye contact with him. Something about those deep brown eyes have always held Johnny under a spell. He thanks Johnny in front of the whole concert hall filled with people and they cheer for him despite most of them not even knowing his name. Only hardcore fans did, but most of the time they only spoke to him to get closer to the other members.

Nevertheless, it feels nice to be cheered on for once. His job is a lot of work, thank you very much. But Johnny really loves what he does for a living.

And no, it has absolutely nothing to do with the way Jung Jaehyun sings into the microphone, plucking at his guitar and at Johnny's heartstrings, making him think all those damn love songs were about him.

‧₊˚✩彡

The show ends without a hitch, aside from a couple of lighting effects that could be blamed on the venue’s cheap tech. Johnny’s busy wiping down the guitars when he feels an arm being thrown over his broad shoulders. He looks up and finds Jaehyun smiling at him, still positively glowing from sweat and the adrenaline rush that always comes after performing on stage.

They’ve been in closer proximity before, but Johnny still flushes at the feel of Jaehyun’s warm, sticky skin on the back of his neck. What frustrates him even more is that Jaehyun appears completely unaware of his effect on him.

“Great job out there,” Jaehyun says, absentmindedly playing with the ends of Johnny’s hair.

“I think that’s my line,” Johnny replies, going back to cleaning the neck of their bassist’s instrument. He ignores the goosebumps that appear at every minor display of affection from Jaehyun.

Jaehyun just chuckles, unwinding himself from Johnny to grab a bottle of water from the cooler. He watches Johnny work while he drinks, bits of water escaping the corner of his lips and mixing with the sweat on his skin. Johnny gulps. _Not now, goddamn._

Crushing the empty bottle with one hand, Jaehyun waves goodbye to Johnny and goes to get changed.

“See you later?” Jaehyun asks over his shoulder. It sounds more like an expectation than a question to Johnny’s ears. He just nods and watches as another smile spreads on Jaehyun’s face before he turns around and disappears behind the changing room door.

‧₊˚✩彡

The thing about tours and being on the road for weeks on end is that you develop habits. Routines. Johnny and Jaehyun’s just happens to be ending up in the back of the tour bus, tangled together on the couch when everyone else has gone to sleep.

It works like clockwork, like an unspoken schedule. Jaehyun makes a subtle, suggestive invitation and Johnny, with little to no resistance on his part, comes. At first he was scared of getting caught, only sneaking into the bus when all the lights had been turned off. But lately he’s been coming over earlier, spending hours drinking with Jaehyun and the rest of the band.

Yuta and Yukhei, the Yu-Yu Duo, are always the loudest. They recount every moment of the show, hyping each other and everyone else up. Johnny can’t help but get infected by their enthusiasm and tells them about all the mishaps that go on backstage, like how he had to restring Ten’s bass five minutes before the show. Or when the lighting team couldn’t get one of the spotlights to work. Or when some crazy fan managed to sneak into one of the storage closets backstage.

Yuta gawks and Yukhei laughs. “That’s crazy!” They say. “I didn’t even notice!” Johnny knows it means he and the rest of the crew did a good job if all the little inconveniences went unnoticed. 

He feels Jaehyun squeeze his thigh and he glances around. Realizing that no one was looking at him anymore, he turns his gaze towards Jaehyun, who has the softest smile on his face. It’s all the attention Johnny needs.

‧₊˚✩彡

“ _Mm_ , yeah, right there,” Jaehyun groans into Johnny’s ear. Johnny can feel him trembling underneath him as his fingers roam all over the other man’s chest and abdomen. His lips are firm but soft on Jaehyun’s neck, taking care not to leave any noticeable marks.

They’re pretty much out in the open, but it doesn’t worry Johnny. Not anymore, now that he knows Yuta and Yukhei sleep like the dead (and still manage to wake up early in the morning to exercise). Ten and Taeyong, their stylist slash Ten’s boyfriend, are probably too preoccupied with each other to notice anyone else’s business.

Johnny wonders how they got here. How one drunken confession of attraction led to more nights like this, alcohol long gone from their system, absolutely sober but still high on the sensation of skin against skin. Their shirts lie forgotten on the floor but they know they can’t go any further than this, not when the only thing separating them from their friends is a makeshift wall, just a thick curtain that at least reaches the floor.

Jaehyun cranes his neck to press his lips against Johnny’s, biting hard until the blood rushes to the surface and turns them red. He admires his own work, eyes lidded, a smirk plastered on his face. The deep dimples on his cheeks soften his smug look. Johnny can still feel the blood pumping in his lips and hides his face on Jaehyun’s shoulder, afraid of how blissed out he must look right now.

He feels Jaehyun’s entire body shudder with silent laughter and Johnny’s so tempted to tug on his hair just to shut him up. But the trembling eventually stops. Jaehyun’s breathing evens out, letting out a long, slow exhale into a quiet snore.

Johnny props himself up on his elbows, making sure that the other boy had indeed fallen asleep. He rolls himself off of Jaehyun and curls up into his side, squeezing into the space between his body and the back of the couch. It’s a tight fit, but it makes Johnny feel warm and secure.

When the tour first started, Jaehyun was full of energy even late into the night. These days, weeks into the rigorous schedule, he can fall asleep in the middle of a heated make out session. Johnny hates how fond it makes him feel.

(He really doesn’t.)

‧₊˚✩彡

When Johnny wakes up (before Jaehyun, as usual) the bus is just about to pull up into the parking lot of the hotel they'll be staying at. It's nothing grand, but it's definitely a step up from all the dingy one-star places they've been through. He doesn't bother trying to wake Jaehyun up, knowing how cranky he'd be if he had to get up earlier than necessary. Carefully, trying his best not to disturb the unconscious man beside him, Johnny crawls off the tight space he had fit himself in.

Just behind the thick curtains, the bus is already awake. Yuta and Yukhei are busy packing their bags with spare clothes before hitting the hotel gym. Ten and Taeyong are snacking on dry cereal and they greet him good morning in matching sleep heavy voices.

Johnny runs into Taeil as he steps out of the bus, almost causing him to spill his morning coffee. He steps back inside, making room for the shorter man to enter. He looks oddly bright and chipper for a man who also spent the night making sure the entire show went smoothly, from soundcheck to packing up. Johnny swears Taeil takes on too much by himself, so he's always glad whenever he can take a load off his shoulders with backstage duties.

Taeil calls for everyone's attention while he flips through his notes on his tablet. All the way at the end of the tour bus, Jaehyun parts the curtains with one hand, the other rubbing at his still closed eyes. Johnny ignores the jolt he feels in his chest when he sees Jaehyun so openly soft in front of everyone. He mentally kicks himself for not staying in long enough to see Jaehyun waking up, imagining his slow smile and tousled hair splayed out on the pillow. But he knows he wouldn't be able to survive that, so maybe it's for the best that he sticks with his routine.

"So our agenda for today is mostly radio shows, just until the afternoon. After that you're all free to spend your time however you want, but please don't stay up too late because it's showtime again tomorrow." The announcement is met with a chorus of _yes boss_ and _thank you Taeil._ The manager leaves the bus satisfied, after warning the members to be ready to head off by noon.

Johnny doesn't really have any work to do today, just an inventory check on all their equipment to make sure everything made it in one piece. Jaehyun sidles up to him while he's checking his phone for the list.

"Are you coming with today?" He asks, voice still raspy and Johnny just about _dies_.

"Well, I'm not really needed at your schedules today…" Johnny mumbles, trying to hide his burning cheeks.

"But will you come anyway? We have the afternoon off, after all." If Johnny was awake enough he'd swear Jaehyun was sporting the smallest pout on his lips.

"I mean, I guess I have nothing else to do?" Jaehyun smiles at him, like a puppy that just received a treat, squeezing his arm before heading back to the end of the bus to pack the things he'll be bringing to the hotel.

Johnny swears this man will be the end of him.

‧₊˚✩彡

Whenever Johnny gets to witness the band succeeding and attaining their dreams, he can't help but let his pride swell. He hangs back on the other side of the recording booth with Taeil while the guys answer interview questions like _how did you guys form the band? Where does the name come from? Let's talk about your latest single…_

He remembers the days when it was just him and Yuta. It's a friendship he'd always be grateful for. Even after quitting their band and ghosting them until they all graduated from high school, when the only one left in pursuing their music was Yuta, he was forgiven. 

Yuta treated him like nothing big had happened, like he didn't just let everyone down. He didn't question Johnny when he admitted he wasn't really interested in forming another band. They still ended up in the same university, still hung out and went to gigs all the time. Johnny even helped Yuta hang up fliers and scout for people who might want to join his new band.

He wasn't there when Yuta found Jaehyun and he'll forever be envious about it. Whenever Yuta recounts their first meeting, it always sounds like he just ran into an angel. An angel disguised as a university student, busking in the streets of Seoul with his secondhand acoustic guitar. Jaehyun joined him almost immediately, drawn in by Yuta's genuine, angelic smile. Johnny's life was never the same afterwards.

The next semester, Johnny met Ten, his bass wielding roommate. He was a little harder to convince than Jaehyun, but Taeyong took care of that right away. They weren't even together yet at that time, but Ten always listened to what Taeyong had to say. And Taeyong firmly believed that Ten needed to share his talent with the rest of the world. 

Their tiny dorm room turned into a makeshift recording studio. Instruments, mics, wires, and other equipment covered every inch of their floor space. Johnny would never admit how nervous it used to make him ( _still_ makes him) to have Jaehyun in his personal space. It was bad enough he was crushing on his best friend's bandmate, but to see him almost every day in the place he was the most vulnerable? Horrifying.

But Jaehyun also fit into this new chapter of his life so seamlessly. He got along so well with Johnny and the rest of the boys that it felt like they were meant to be friends. Add Yukhei into the mix, who actually wanted to audition because he found one of Yuta's old fliers, and they had themselves a complete band (and a weird little family too).

Suffice to say that Johnny's been there since the beginning. He may not be _in_ the band but he's definitely an integral part of it. Whether it was just by listening and offering feedback on songs, or when he was actually able to book them their first gigs because of all the people he was acquainted with. He'd seen them grow, improve, and work so hard to be where they are now. Johnny could confidently say they deserved all of it and more.

‧₊˚✩彡

Their radio tour ends without a hitch, leaving their schedule for the rest of the day wide open. They find themselves wandering around the heart of LA and _of course_ Yukhei convinces them all to check out the beach. In the middle of summer, while the sun is still high on a Friday afternoon, everyone else in the entire city probably has the same idea.

They still go, of course. Because it’s almost impossible to say no to Yukhei when he brings out his puppy eyes. Johnny’s right in assuming that the entire population of LA and all its tourists have planned on spending the day at Venice Beach. It’s an over exaggeration, of course, but the place is filled with people.

Johnny’s always loved travelling and meeting new people, and he tries his very best to be positive, especially when the other members are tired. But after a month on the road, he’s starting to reach his limit. The burning sun makes him irritable and he doesn’t like it. The rest of the boys have already made their way to the end of the boardwalk but he hangs back to spare them from his sour mood.

He tries his best to enjoy the place. The ocean mist and the sound of the waves crashing into the shoreline, the smell of fried food wafting in the air, the little children playing and building sandcastles. It’s picturesque. Johnny wishes he had thought to bring his camera today. He scans the crowd to look for his friends and his stomach drops at what he finds.

A group of what he would assume are fangirls have swarmed the band members (mostly Jaehyun). Most of them are in swimsuits, arms raised in the air with their phones held tightly in their hands to snap a couple of pictures of the boys. On most days Johnny would be happy to see them get recognized, to be able to meet the people they have touched through their music. But when a pretty blonde girl with a bright smile grazes her hand along Jaehyun’s arm, Johnny snaps.

She's pretty, he's not about to deny that, with a coy smile on her face and long eyelashes fluttering in Jaehyun's direction. Jaehyun, on his part, looks absolutely smitten. Leaning into the touch and giving her that infuriatingly charming smile. Johnny tears his eyes away from them before he can even begin to _think_ of doing something stupid.

“Are you okay?” Johnny hears Taeil ask. _When did he get here?_

“I’m fine,” Johnny lies through his gritted teeth. “Just feeling a little tired.”

“Do you wanna head back to the hotel?” Taeil asks, his voice laced with concern. It does little to soothe Johnny.

“No. I mean, _yes,_ but you should stay. I’ll just… go.”

Turning back without waiting for another response from Taeil, Johnny speedwalks away from the impromptu meet and greet. His stomach feels heavy and he’d love to blame it on food poisoning but he’s not that stupid. He’s _jealous, what the fuck?_ He _hates_ this feeling. Why can’t people run from themselves too?

In a whirlwind of self-loathing and denial, Johnny finds himself back in his hotel room, locking the door behind him. It’s a useless effort. Jaehyun has his own key card after all, but it serves as an extra layer of security. At least he’d have a couple of seconds to compose himself when Jaehyun comes back.

As someone whose goal in life is simply to be happy, who balks at any sign of deep emotions, the thought of feeling this much for Jaehyun leaves Johnny absolutely shaken. He paces around the room until he gets too tired, after which he gets into his pyjamas and buries himself under the heavy duvet even though it’s still too early to sleep. 

He’s _tired,_ okay? Give him a break.

‧₊˚✩彡

Jaehyun arrives a couple of hours later. 

Johnny’s still buried under the covers, half awake and playing some word game on his phone, when he hears the lock beeping and the door being swung open. Light steps fill the small hotel room and Johnny pictures Jaehyun trying to do his nighttime routine without waking his presumably asleep… friend? Lover? Companion? Whatever Johnny was to him.

“Johnny?” Jaehyun calls. “Are you asleep?”

Johnny tries his best to keep absolutely still but Jaehyun’s baritone voice, all smooth and warm, makes him shiver and wrap the blankets tighter around him. He keeps his phone closer to his chest to block out the light but it’s too late. He’s been caught.

“I guess not. Are you okay? Do you need anything?” Jaehyun asks. Johnny just lets out a quiet hum, hoping to convey nonchalance. He just wants to forget ever feeling jealous. It’s an ugly feeling. Definitely not a good look on him.

“Stop lying.”

Johnny stiffens at the shift in Jaehyun’s tone. Gone was the soft concern in his voice. Instead, Johnny feels a firm hand grasping at his shoulder and tugging the blankets off from his head.

“I’m not lying,” Johnny mumbles, turning his head into the pillow, partly to hide his reddening face and partly to avoid the intense look in Jaehyun’s eyes.

Jaehyun barks out a laugh and Johnny, six foot tall and solidly built Johnny, feels so _so_ small.

“I saw your face when she touched me,” Jaehyun confesses, his stare still digging into Johnny, as if his sheer willpower would allow him to see into Johnny’s mind. “It wouldn’t kill you to admit you were _jealous_.”

Johnny whips his head towards Jaehyun upon hearing _that word._ Oh how he’d _love_ to wipe that shit-eating grin off of Jaehyun’s face.

“So what if I was?” Johnny bites back, and for the second time that day, he snaps. Taking hold of Jaehyun’s shirt collar, Johnny pulls him closer and shuts him up with a harsh kiss. 

He can feel Jaehyun vibrating with laughter, his smile widening against Johnny’s lips. Johnny’s still a little annoyed but he can’t deny that he loves Jaehyun like this. Lively and playful, warm hands roaming, venturing under his thin shirt.

Johnny loses himself in the little butterfly kisses Jaehyun leaves all over his neck and collarbone. There are fingers playing with the buttons of his shirt, revealing his skin inch by inch. Hot hands on his even hotter skin. It’s all so overwhelming. Jaehyun is relentless, his warm breath blowing against Johnny's ear, and Johnny hides his face in shame when he can’t help but moan into Jaehyun’s neck.

Jaehyun just laughs, pressing his lips against Johnny’s cheek. It feels like whiplash, the way the mood shifts from hot and heavy to sweet and light every few seconds.

Johnny swears he hears Jaehyun mumble something. Familiar words, echoing inside his head.

“You’re the only one.”

_My one and only._

Johnny lets himself fall.

‧₊˚✩彡

Johnny wishes he could blame his little episode on not getting laid for an extended amount of time. But it’s been days after the night Jaehyun absolutely wrecked him and they’re still finding ways to be in constant contact.

A hand on a thigh, an arm around a shoulder, a kiss on the cheek when no one’s watching.

They spend the trip from LA to Portland with Jaehyun practically living on Johnny’s lap. If anyone else thought it was strange, they didn’t say, allowing the skinship to fall under a sense of normalcy. Johnny doesn’t dare say anything, afraid of breaking whatever they had right now. He lets himself settle into the couch at the back of the bus while Jaehyun absentmindedly plays with his hair.

“If I had to switch lives with someone here,” Johnny says, continuing the question game they’ve been playing for almost half an hour. “I’d probably pick Ten.”

Ten perks up in his seat, waking Taeyong up from where he’s been sleeping on his boyfriend’s shoulder. “Oh? And why’s that?”

“I’d like to know what it feels like to be so tiny,” Johnny laughs and Ten throws a pillow at him with all the force he can muster.

“Plus, Taeyong would be my boyfriend and he’d take care of me, right Yong?” Taeyong sends Johnny a sleepy nod and a thumbs up, settling back against Ten’s side.

“What about me?” Jaehyun mumbles, but Yuta throws the curtains open before Johnny even has time to process the question.

“Who’s ready to get lit!” Yukhei yells from behind Yuta, holding a suspicious brown paper bag over his head. Johnny jumps up and cheers, thinking he could definitely use an excuse to loosen up after being so tightly wound from work and his Jeelings (his Jaehyun feelings).

“It’s just a couple of edibles,” Yuta explains. “But it should be enough for all of us and… what? Ten more hours in this bus?” Johnny watches while Yukhei busies himself with unwrapping the spiked brownies and breaking them in halves. Johnny helps pass them around, stopping in front of Jaehyun who’s still sprawled on the couch.

“Feed me,” Jaehyun demands, jutting out his bottom lip playfully. Johnny’s neck burns, ashamed of how much he enjoys the view. He just stands there, watching, when Jaehyun takes the brownie in his mouth, keeping his lips pressed against Johnny’s fingertips while he chews. Johnny forces himself to keep his screaming inside him.

He settles back down on the couch beside Jaehyun, shoving an entire brownie into his mouth too. Keeping a few inches of distance between them is futile when Jaehyun immediately curls up around him like a cat. Johnny just does his best to calm down, letting the effects of the drug to wash over him.

It’s been a while since they all got high. The groggy but lightheaded feeling takes him back to all those days in their college dorms, celebrating the end of exams or coming up with new songs. Late night runs to the nearest fast food joint. (Ha, _joint._ ) Stuffing their faces with burgers and taking advantage of their young, fit bodies, only to regret it the next morning when all the grease and cholesterol clogs up their systems. He could _really_ use a burger right about now.

If it wasn’t for Jaehyun’s weight grounding him, Johnny would have believed he was melting into the cushions. He was one with the couch. Maybe being a couch would be good for him so he could ignore all his feelings. But then again that would mean Jaehyun could sit on him all day and that was a dangerous thought. _Don’t go there, Johnny!_

It definitely hits Johnny quicker than he expected. Before he’s even aware of it, he’s doubled over in fits of giggles. Every little thing his friends do is absolutely hilarious to him. From Ten stumbling out of the bathroom only to collapse onto Yukhei and Taeyong belting out the lyrics to some Ariana Grande song, to Yuta attempting to do handstands in the middle of the cramped tour bus. A faint voice in the back of Johnny’s mind tells him he should be doing something to stop this, but it’s funny to watch Yuta get worked up about it.

“Forget handstands! I bet ten bucks I can cartwheel all the way to the end of this hallway!” Yuta declares. Said hallway was about three feet wide, lined with bunk beds and clothes scattered on the floor. Johnny takes the bet, cheering him on from the couch while Yukhei and Ten clear out all the clutter.

He’s still tearing up from laughing at Yuta’s ridiculous warm up that he completely misses Yuta’s take off, but his legs are barely out of sight when Johnny hears a thud and a sickening crunch that immediately sobers him up.

“Holy shit!”

“Yuta are you okay?!”

“Stop the bus!”

Johnny pushes them all out of the way to check on his injured friend, the bus swaying to the side as the driver stops on the side of the road. Taeyong’s already on the phone with Taeil, Ten’s busy Googling the nearest hospital, Yukhei’s at the driver’s side explaining what happened, and Jaehyun’s at Johnny’s side, sending him a worried look that just about guts him. Crouching down to get to Yuta’s level, Johnny examines the wrist that he has cradled against his chest.

“I-I think it’s broken?” Yuta squeaks, all traces of his earlier confidence gone.

“I can’t tell for sure, but I hope it’s just a sprain,” Johnny says, trying to keep his voice as stable and calm as possible.

“Taeil says to ice it and wrap it in a bandage or cloth!” Taeyong calls from behind them. Johnny nods, picking up the nearest shirt that looked relatively clean, and helps Yuta up by his uninjured hand.

“Can you get some ice from the cooler?” Johnny asks Jaehyun as they pass him. He nods too, giving Johnny a comforting smile that eases his nerves. Taeyong helps in wrapping up Yuta’s wrist, making sure the ice is doing its job in reducing the swelling.

“It doesn’t look that bad, but we should still have it checked,” Taeil announces as soon as he gets in their bus and sees Yuta lamenting on the couch.

“What’ll we do with the show tomorrow?” Yukhei asks, his voice uncharacteristically quiet.

“We might have to cancel it. Or move it to a later date.” Johnny knows that Taeil must be as worried sick as the rest of them, but he admires how calm and level headed he can be in the face of a dilemma.

“We can’t do that!” Yuta exclaims. He tries to jump out of his seat but Taeyong restrains him. He groans as he jostles his injured hand too much and allows Taeyong to settle it back on the cushion on his lap.

“Well we can’t exactly put on a show without you,” Ten reasons out. He pats Yuta’s thigh in an effort to soothe his friend.

“Who said anything about me?” Yuta asks. He breathes in through his nose with a wince, looking like he’s trying to manage through the pain to get his thoughts in order. 

“Johnny can play all of our songs. He can take my place.” Yuta turns to Johnny then, his eyes wide and pleading. “Please? Just this one time?”

Johnny recalls the stage in his mind. The blinding lights. His sweaty palms. The way his entire body just froze before he could even strum a chord. He can’t do it. He just _can’t._ He swore he never would.

He feels a hand close around his own, a gentle squeeze and a thumb rubbing circles around his skin. Johnny closes his eyes. Takes a deep breath.

“Okay. I’ll do it.”

‧₊˚✩彡

_This is a bad idea,_ Johnny thinks.

“This is a bad idea,” he says out loud.

Jaehyun makes his way over to him from across the dressing room, pulling up a chair and sitting across from him, so close that their knees are touching.

“What’s on your mind?” Jaehyun asks, looking straight into Johnny’s eyes. Johnny squirms around in his seat for a bit, still not used to getting Jaehyun’s undivided attention (he doubts he ever will).

“Back in high school,” Johnny starts, “Yuta and I were in a band with a bunch of other guys who we don’t really talk to anymore.” Jaehyun nods, urging Johnny to go on.

“We weren’t the best, but we weren’t bad either. So we made it through the auditions for the school talent show. You know how it was in high school, right? It felt like we were really gonna make it. We were gonna use that prize money for some hours at a studio, make an EP, sell it or give it away just to get our name out there. We had a plan.

“But plans kind of have a funny way of falling apart at the most crucial points. We were finally on stage, after hours and hours of practicing this one song, I can’t even remember what it was called. Well, I just kinda… froze. I couldn’t do anything, couldn’t move my hands, couldn’t remember a single chord, let alone the right ones. I was embarrassed. I failed them, I failed Yuta. And I just kinda… ran.”

“Oh, Johnny,” Jaehyun murmurs, his hands wrapping around Johnny’s own, stilling his shaking and giving him the energy to keep going.

“The band pretty much fell apart after that. The other guys never spoke to me again, just ignored me until we all left high school. I couldn’t blame them and I tried distancing myself from them too. I was just too ashamed. 

“But Yuta, he tracked me down every day until after graduation. I gave up on trying to get rid of him and he told me off, saying I was being dumb because I was his friend first before we were bandmates. And of fucking course he was angry but he still wanted to stay friends. I… honestly, he’s my best friend and he’s the reason I’m here.”

Jaehyun smiles at that, and Johnny feels a whole lot better after letting all of it out. But there’s still a nagging feeling in his chest, like his heart is beating way too fast.

“I’m still scared,” he confesses. “Scared that I’ll mess up like the last time. And the stakes are higher and it’s going to cost so much more.”

“What do you mean? What’ll it cost you?” Jaehyun asks, gaze still as piercing as ever.

“You.”

Jaehyun leans back at that and Johnny’s afraid he’s driven him away with his insecurities. But all that flies out the metaphorical window when Jaehyun gets up and wraps Johnny in his arms, burying Johnny’s head against his chest.

“You’re never gonna lose me. Not even if you tried.” Jaehyun loosens his grip, fingers grazing Johnny’s chin and lifting his head.

“Johnny Suh, you are the most capable man I know. You’re a fixer and a lover but you’d also never back down from a fight if it’s for the people you care about. That’s why everyone thinks you’re our bodyguard,” Jaehyun admits with a laugh. 

“But that’s what I love about you, you know? The fact that you’re all of that and more. You’re a constant bright spot in my life, the most positive person I’ve had the pleasure of being around, you bring out the best in people. In me.”

Jaehyun cups Johnny’s face in his hands and Johnny feels like the most important human being on the planet. “So don’t you dare think,” Jaehyun adds. His face inching closer and closer. “That I, or any of our friends, would ever leave you alone again.”

He closes the distance between them, crushing Johnny’s lips in a bruising but comforting kiss. Johnny hears a whoop and applause coming from somewhere in the distance but he’s too preoccupied with the way Jaehyun slips his tongue into his mouth just a little bit, leaving him wanting more once he pulls away.

Johnny blinks up at Jaehyun blearily, his heart so full of love for the other man that he doesn’t even bother to deny it anymore. But he still has half the mind to flush at the attention that has fallen on them. Off to the side, standing by the doorway, the rest of the band and crew are standing there watching them, all with matching, knowing smirks.

“Oh shut your faces,” Johnny mutters, waving them off. His face is still burning when he walks past them, receiving pats on the back from Yuta and Yukhei and teasing kissy faces from Ten while Taeyong just stands back and smiles. When he comes face to face with Taeil, the shorter man puts his hand on Johnny’s shoulder, giving it a reassuring squeeze.

“You’re gonna do great, I know it. You care about this band as much as everyone else here, if not more. We all have your back, got it?” Johnny nods, feeling a huge smile blooming on his face. Everyone else was there for him. He wasn’t going to be alone.

‧₊˚✩彡

There’s a moment when Johnny steps on the stage when he feels like all the progress he’s made has been useless. The collar that Taeyong just fixed before leaving backstage feels tight around his throat. When his lighting assistant, Donghyuck, turns on the spotlights, Johnny’s limbs turn into lead. Heavy and unmoving. Until he hears the steady beat of Yukhei’s bass drum, reminding his heart to slow down.

He looks to his left and instead of looking out into the crowd, Jaehyun’s eyes are still on him. He offers a smile, his dimples so deep that Johnny has the urge to poke him. When he opens with a familiar riff, Johnny snaps back into action.

His fingers are clumsy at first. Maybe the audience can’t tell because their screams are drowning out the instruments, but Johnny knows his timing is off. He tries to match the tempo, recalling all those lazy afternoons playing the bands’ songs in their shared apartment. All the times _he_ helped Yuta come up with new chord progressions. All the times he’s watched them perform night after night, memorizing entire setlists by heart.

Johnny feels completely in the zone just a couple of songs later. The noise is deafening but welcome, walls of sound enveloping Johnny and reminding him why he loves this music so much. 

It’s in the way he plays off of the energy of the other members and the crowd. The way his strums echo Jaehyun’s or the way Jaehyun's playful adlibs somehow meets Johnny’s every chord. Or when Ten’s smooth bass notes and even smoother backup vocals complement Jaehyun’s deep baritone.

They’re in sync with one another and Johnny feels it. It’s the first time he’s ever felt it. He gets so lost in their momentum that he doesn’t even realize their first few songs are already over.

“What’s up, Portland?” Jaehyun yells into his mic. “Are we having a good time?” The answering cheers hit Johnny like a tidal wave. He’s not quite used to being on the receiving end of them, but he can see why the others enjoy it. The crowd is happy to see them, excited to hear them play the songs that have made their way into these people’s lives.

“We have a temporary member tonight, some of you might know him already, but please give a warm welcome to our very own Johnny Suh!”

Okay, well, he wasn’t expecting _that_. Jaehyun’s looking at him again, giving him an encouraging nod. Johnny gulps down his nerves and gives the crowd a shy wave. “Hey guys! Let’s have a great night, yeah?” More cheers greet him and Johnny can finally relax, letting Jaehyun do all the talking.

“To make up for Yuta’s absence, we prepared a little cover for you guys. It’s one of my personal favorites, so I hope you all like it!” Jaehyun announces before stepping on his distortion pedal and letting a gritty chord play before Yukhei hits his drums.

When Jaehyun suggested doing a special song for their special lineup, Johnny didn’t question it. But now as Jaehyun’s sultry voice washes over him, he knows exactly what the love of his life is trying to do.

_“I’m a puppet on a string,”_ Jaehyun croons, lips so close to his mic that Johnny can’t help but be mesmerized.

_“I go crazy ‘cause here isn’t where I wanna be. And satisfaction feels like a distant memory,”_ he continues, eyes now locked onto Johnny.

Johnny could try his best and say that he was sweating because of the bright lights and the humid venue, but what was the use in lying? Jaehyun was using this song to his advantage, turning Johnny into putty in his hands.

_“And I can’t help myself, all I wanna hear him say is…”_

Jaehyun starts making his way over to Johnny, Ten and the crowd singing the chorus while Jaehyun’s away from his mic.

_“Are you mine?”_

Jaehyun’s closer now, his hand reaching over to hold the back of Johnny’s neck, playing with the short hair at his nape.

_“Are you mine?”_

He leans in, his face is so close to Johnny’s that he swears their lips are going to brush.

_“Are you mine?”_

Jaehyun looks up at Johnny. His warm almond eyes have gone dark, leaving Johnny breathless. He murmurs into their now shared mic, so low that it makes Johnny think the words are meant for only him to hear.

_“Are you mine?”_

The chorus ends and Ten picks up from where Jaehyun left off with the last line. Johnny struggles to get back into the rhythm, with Jaehyun walking backwards to his spot and sending him a wink and a smirk. 

_“Unfair we’re not somewhere misbehaving for days,_

_Great escape, lost track of time and space,_

_He’s a silver lining, climbing on my desire…”_

Oh he was _so_ going to regret this stunt later. Johnny’s going to make sure of that.

‧₊˚✩彡

The rest of the show goes smoothly. Johnny even gets to throw in a guitar solo and the crowd goes wild when Jaehyun comes over again to lean his arm on Johnny’s shoulder. When their final song ends and they’ve gone through the routine of bowing and throwing guitar picks and drumsticks at the audience, they walk off the stage to the chanting of their name.

Johnny feels good. Like, _really_ good. He can’t believe he actually managed to do that. His first show and it was in front of thousands of people. It was fun, yes, but also extremely draining. He doesn’t understand how the rest of the guys could do this night after night.

He’s still counting on what’s left of his adrenaline high when he grabs Jaehyun’s wrist and drags him off to some supply closet, while everyone else is busy packing up or just unwinding.

“Did you need something?” Jaehyun asks, a cheeky grin on his face.

“Shut up,” Johnny growls. “You know what you were doing.”

“Oh? Pray tell, I don’t think I’m aware of what you’re accusing me of.”

Johnny chooses to ignore Jaehyun’s faux ignorance, going straight for an open mouthed kiss, tasting the salty sweat on their lips. His hands make their way underneath Jaehyun’s damp shirt, pulling it up to expose his toned stomach. He drags his hands down Jaehyun's abs, letting his nails scratch at his skin, leaving red marks in their wake. When he reaches the waistband of Jaehyun's skinny jeans, he pulls him by his belt loops, grinding his hips against the other man. Jaehyun lets out an unexpected moan and if Johnny wasn’t so determined with his plan, he would have abandoned all reason right then and there.

Just when Jaehyun reaches up to tangle his fingers in Johnny’s hair, the taller man steps back, admiring how disheveled his partner looked.

“Johnny? What are you doing?” He asks, still making grabby hands at Johnny’s shirt collar.

“Payback,” Johnny smirks, opening the closet door and stepping back out into the fluorescent light.

“You can’t be serious!” Jaehyun whines, following Johnny and grabbing the back of his shirt.

“Oh, I’m dead serious, babe. Guess you’ll have to wait,” Johnny replies, petting the top of Jaehyun’s head.

“You’re gonna get it, Suh.”

“Looking forward to it.”

‧₊˚✩彡

Johnny wakes up in another hotel room, his head resting on Jaehyun’s bare chest, rising and falling along with his slow breaths. What started out as an intense, teasing romp ended up as a long, sweet night filled with murmured words of affection and affirmation.

He revels in the peaceful intimacy, leaning up to press a soft kiss on Jaehyun’s jaw. “Wake up sleepyhead,” he whispers, checking the clock on the nightstand. “It’s almost noon.”

“Mmm, five more minutes.”

“Mmmmkay,” Johnny hums, falling back into a light nap.

They spend about another hour in bed, with nothing but the quiet hum of the air conditioner as background noise. When they finally _do_ get up, they go about their usual morning routines as if they’ve done so together all their lives. They brush their teeth, style their hair, pick their outfits based on what hasn’t been worn yet. Johnny imagines going through every morning like this, in perfect harmony with the other man.

Then it dawns on him that he still has no idea what to call Jaehyun. And is it too silly to ask if they’re official or not? Do they even need labels? When their lives are as fast paced and unusual as theirs? _Yes,_ Johnny decides. If only for his peace of mind.

“Jaehyun,” he calls, sitting on the bed while watching Jaehyun pack his dirty clothes.

“Hmm?” Jaehyun carries on humming. It’s that same song Johnny’s sure he’s heard before.

“I think we need to talk.”

Jaehyun pauses in the middle of folding up one of his shirts. He takes in a silent breath then turns to Johnny with a small smile.

“Sure. But coffee first?”

Johnny agrees and waits for Jaehyun to pack up the rest of his stuff. They leave their things back in the tour bus then wander around the nearby streets. They have a couple of hours before they have to leave so they decide to settle down in a cozy coffee shop, inside a small booth and away from curious eyes.

Cupping his coffee between his hands, Johnny blows on it gently and watches as the steam floats from the surface. He knows he needs to start talking. He’s the one who dragged Jaehyun out here, after all. But he’s still not sure if he wants to hear whatever the answers to his questions are going to be.

_Suck it up, Suh. Might as well get it over with._

“Jaehyun,” he starts, feeling the weight of his lover’s name on his tongue. “I… I think I need to know. Uh, I mean. What are _we,_ exactly?” He curses the way he trips over his words, choosing instead to focus on the way Jaehyun’s eyes widen in surprise.

“What do you mean? I thought… I thought you already knew?”

Johnny splutters for a bit before regaining his composure. “Know what? I don’t think we ever talked about our situation?”

Jaehyun—adorable, angelic, annoying Jaehyun—has the _nerve_ to laugh at Johnny’s confusion. “Do you really not remember?”

Johnny’s mind flashes back to all the times he’s ever had a one-on-one conversation with Jaehyun but he turns up blank. Was Jaehyun messing with him?

“It was after our first stop? We got drunk and—oh. You… forgot?” Johnny just shrugs, watching with slight amusement as Jaehyun rubs the bridge of his nose between his fingers.

“Johnny. I confessed to you. I told you I liked you and you said, and I quote, ‘Oh thank _god_ because I really like you too.’” Johnny blanches at that, a faint memory of the taste of tequila and lime in his mouth, Jaehyun’s head on his lap, the morning light creeping in under the curtains.

“Did you really not wonder why we started hooking up?” Jaehyun laughs, incredulous at their situation.

“Uhh, I mean, I did? But you heard it yourself. I _really_ like you. I was gonna take anything I could get.” Johnny feels the blush making its way to his cheeks. Of _course_ he’d be the dumbest person in the world and forget about the night his crush confessed to him.

“Well, then,” Jaehyun replies, reaching out to take hold of Johnny’s sweaty palms. “Can I confess again?”

Swallowing the lump in his throat, Johnny nods and squeezes Jaehyun’s hands, fingers interlocked.

“Johnny Suh, I really like you. From that day when I saw you in Yuta’s dorm room restringing his guitar, I had a big fat crush on you. And ever since then, you’ve been nothing but good to me. Making me better. Believing in me even when I couldn’t.” Jaehyun’s eyes stay locked on Johnny’s the whole time, making his heart beat so loud that he’s surprised the entire cafe hasn’t stopped to wonder what that noise was. 

“These past few weeks have been… amazing. Spending every single day with you, everyone thought we’d all drive each other crazy, but I think it just made me fall in love with you.” Jaehyun ends his speech by lifting their hands to his lips, pressing a gentle kiss on Johnny’s knuckles.

If that speech hadn’t already knocked the breath out of Johnny, that simple gesture would have done it. “I… I’m really dumb, aren’t I?” Johnny lets out a wet laugh, letting go of Jaehyun’s hands to wipe at his eyes.

“Yeah, but that’s just part of your charm,” Jaehyun says with a playful wink.

“I love you too, for the record. This whole tour has been surreal but the best part of it has definitely been you.” Johnny cheers internally when he sees Jaehyun’s ears turning bright pink. They always betrayed how he was feeling.

“Greasy.”

“So are you. But I still love you, don’t I?”

‧₊˚✩彡

It’s their last show of the tour and venue is small but intimate, the kind of atmosphere that was Johnny’s personal favorite. The setup isn’t as flashy as some of the others but the sound system’s quality is solid, allowing the music to fill the space. 

Yuta’s hand healed in time for the last few stops, leaving Johnny a little bit more relieved than he’d like to admit. Playing on stage was fun and all, it definitely freed him from his high school hangup, but he missed being backstage and managing everything else. He watches again, from his usual spot off to the side, Jaehyun’s spare guitar in his hand.

When the song ends and it’s Ten’s turn to greet the audience, Johnny walks onto the stage, sparing the crowd a shy wave. He exchanges guitars with Jaehyun, grinning when Jaehyun purposefully grazes his hand. He leans in to whisper to Johnny, probably a lighting direction, Johnny thinks.

“Do me a favor and watch from the crowd?” Jaehyun requests, eyes sparkling under the colored lights.

“What about the show?” Johnny asks, wondering what Jaehyun has up his sleeve.

“Donghyuck’s got it covered, just go!” Jaehyun shoos him away and Johnny has no choice but to leave the stage. He jumps down into the crowd, just off to the side but still in Jaehyun’s line of vision.

“This next song is pretty special to me. It’s nothing new, you’ve all heard it before. But I’m hoping I can give it a new meaning for you.” Jaehyun looks straight at Johnny at the last sentence. He feels his heart thumping in anticipation, still with no idea what was coming next.

When Jaehyun plucks his guitar in a familiar intro and sings the first line of a song Johnny has heard maybe a hundred times, he finally realizes.

All the damn love songs _are_ about him.

**Author's Note:**

> so i actually ended up self-prompting for this fest bc i sent in this prompt thinking that i wanted someone else to write it for me... but when i was scrolling through the list i realized i really wanted to write this so here we are!! this is now my baby and i'm quite proud of it hehe. hope you all enjoyed! x
> 
> thank you so much to my beta, lala, for all the helpful insight and also for hyping up my outline when i wasn't even halfway through the story!! that really gave me the energy to keep writing <3


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